After reading some very good posts about cosplay and appearance I got into thinking my own relation with this hobby and my body image and now I'm here, writing this post.
I almost never write anything like this publicly, I love keeping my thoughts to myself, as I am really insecure but I don't want to show that to anyone as I feel it makes me vulnerable and people get to see that I'm actually as strong as I make them believe I am. So this is a post where I'm telling about myself and my insecurities that have mostly come with my dear hobby
(is it that dear if it makes you hate yourself, even for little?)
I have never really been a girl that other would have been jealous of.
I was the one that the boys of the class would make fun of for who knows what reasons.
I was always tall, already in elementary school and I think that I also reached my current height in a pretty early age. Height has never been an issue for me; well not before I started cosplaying.
About my looks otherwise, I was a pretty normal child in every way (well, I was tall as I stated already) but for some reason I also found my flaws in an early age. I almost never thought that I was pretty or beautiful.
I hated (still from time to time) my nose, I have always thought that it's too wide and my chin, ugh, it's so tiny that if I look down (or laugh) it may look like I have a double-chin (which I don't ;;__;;). So from an early age I've wanted to go under the knife and get something done for myself.
(Happily that's not really the case though I may have these thoughts every now and then.)
I guess at a certain age I had forgotten everything that I hated about myself and then I started cosplaying.
At first I was just having fun dressing as characters that I loved. The appearance wasn't that important for me, which you can see by looking at old photos of my first three or so cosplays.
But as I continued this hobby I also got more and more aware of me and my body and my looks - with cosplay I slowly started to hate my height - which I had been so proud of. There's really nothing you can do about being tall, but every time I talk about group cosplays or so it gets harder for me as I really want to cosplay character X but as I'm so tall I need to go with character Y. That's also one reason I like (and dislike) to cosplay alone (though sometimes my height comes an issue even then because I feel that I'm too tall for the character). Happily there's been a lot of nice groups where I have been able to cosplay the character that I've wanted to cosplay despite my height.
But there's more beneath the surface than just my height.
I am pretty fine with my face now days, but my body. I know that I'm pretty normal looking and there's some things I'm proud in my body
(according to the women's size chart I have extremely small waist (it's compared to your bust and hip in that chart)).
But mainly I think that I'm too fat.
In everyday life I don't think that I look bad - actually I think that my body is quite okay.
(Still thinking about losing weight though)
I have these dream cosplays that I would loooove to make
(for example; Fran (FF XII) and Five (Drakengard 3)) but I can't because I think that I would have to lose at least 40kg (okay, I would be _really_ underweight then, haha) before even thinking of starting to make those.
Fun fact is that I think that anyone should be able to cosplay whatever they want not caring about their body type. But at the same time I won't allow myself that. If you look at my past cosplays you will notice how everything covers certain areas in my body
(well Lenne is the exception here).
Actually because of this I have hoped about getting an eating disorder
(like you could get sick with those just like that. And I know it's extremely dangerous too to have an eating disorder. I guess I'm just trying to tell how deep I was) back in 2012-2013.
Not that I would want that anymore. Though I have had "bad moments".
One of those moments has been last fall when I just casually looked at myself in the mirror and I actually just started crying. There is not more to it but that I just loathed the image I saw in the mirror.
Even though I do receive positive feedback on my looks I don't feel like that I am that pretty/beautiful/whatever.
I'm able to say my thanks without any difficulties though I may get a little nervous
(in a good way, all blushy and stuff - because who doesn't want to be called pretty - it's another thing to feel like that yourself).
Compared to the other two stories that I read they have gained more confidence and started accepting themselves through this hobby while I have started hating myself or at least hating parts of my body. I have never before actually thought that this hobby is making me sick or that it's bad for me - until writing this out.
But I think that I can also gain those things that the others have.
I know that I have really twisted body image in my head, but hopefully I will get rid of it.
And I guess in a way I have already started my way to a healthier body image in my head - today when I looked myself in the mirror I was already accepting myself more as I am
(and not crying after seeing my reflection :DD).
But I really wanted to share this here despite the fact that I don't have a happy story to tell.
It was good for me - not keeping this inside. Now I'm just hoping that I won't regret posting this.
Also I had something on my mind but I forgot it so let's hope it wasn't that important.
Hopefully it stayed intact as my mind was flowing from one thought to another.
So I hope that it was easy to read and that it had some kind of red thread!
Posting this also got me into thinking that maybe after some time I should write again - maybe if the image has changed and if the reason is found in my hobby or something.. Well we'll see.
Next time I'll hopefully be able to show you the photos that I took at Desucon Frostbite
(I know I've been slow with those, whoops)!